Tired of trying to be "Normal"

I am so tired of trying to be normal, the old normal. I so want to be like I used to be. Fit, able to dance. Even if only just to dance for my own pleasure would be nice. Instead I can't even do a pile. I can get down but my legs don't have the strength to get me back up again. I am working on regaining some level of fitness but the results are so slow, I don't even think anything is improving :-( .

I had my hospital follow up  recently. A whole load of questionnaires. Tick this box if you can do x,w, z. Rate your abilities or pain on a scale of one to ten. Have you accomplished your goals? No :-( . 

Contacted a few teachers on FB and now feel totally invisible as they talk to each other but ignore me. So that is me now......invisible.

Been a few months

It's been a few months since I have come here to post. I feel like I have managed to get absolutely nowhere with taming the dragon of Fibromyalgia, neither have I learnt to dance with the dragon yet.

I have found two new support forums, one in the UK and one in the USA. Both are very different and both and so much information and support available if only I could get my head around it all. I think part of the problem is that I have not been able to settle into a routine since mum passed away although there is a glimmer of light. I need routine and purpose and have yet to find it. So far I can't settle to the sewing although when I do sit down and create something, I enjoy doing it. But it always seems like a last resort.

My lovely GP retired last year and I had been resisting seeing her replacement. It got forced on me last week as my blood pressure, despite medication, is far too high so the nurse ratted on me to the GP who called me in. I suppose she is OK. I did ask her what she felt about fibre as some doctors believe it is all in the mind.....I wish !. She responded by saying she believes it when people tell her they are in pain. It's an answer but not an answer, so I am still in the dark.

Not seen anyone from the studio since before Christmas. I am becoming quite the recluse and I actually like it that way. I have started swimming twice a week. And I hula hoop for my non impact aerobic exercise . How to feel exhausted in two minutes.

I STILL haven't set my SMART goals yet and I have my follow up appointment with the Pain Clinic on Thursday. I haven't even done any of my "homework" either. Do I get detention, I wonder, and have to stay after class.

Lost my mum

I lost my mum on January 30th. She had fallen and broken her hip for the second time at the start of January, and after nearly three weeks in hospital, was due to come home. Then it all went pear shaped . It seems the dementia was very advanced and her hospital stay excellerated it. She and my dad had been married for 71 years and his heart is broken.

We were all able to be with her as she passed into spirit and were holding her hands. It was very peaceful. The nurses and doctors treated her with great respect and dignity to the end. Their compassion and kindness to us all, especially our dad, was wonderful

Update

I didn't realise how long it has been since I last blogged so I think this is well and truly due for an update.


I finished teaching on the 9th December and my , now ex, boss made it as difficult as she possibly could. Even now I have a sneaky feeling she will try and keep me in her clutches as she said before Christmas that as I would have more free time, I could do x,y and Z for her as she didn't want to ask her husband to do it. I appreciate that he has had a stroke and though recovered, still isn't able to cope with much. But why should I be doing her work when there are three other, younger teachers available?

I must say I am quite depressed at the moment. I had it in my head that once I had stopped work, a miracle would happen and I'd feel so much better. Wrong ! Mentally I am struggling with not teaching and then things started going pear shaped.

Christmas my parents came for the day, along with two friends. It was lovely that mum and dad could make it but a nightmare getting mum up and down our outside flight of steps, to the bathroom , etc. But that was minor to the next event. Earlier in the month mum fell in her house and broke the same hip she broke January 2011. This was when we realised she had dementia. Fast forward to this year, where things are much worse and her behaviour more challenging. She doesn't believe she has broken her hip, thinks my 90 year old dad is having an affair with the Staff nurse looking after her. The MHT have tried to assess her so that we can get the right level of care set up for her but she won't let them. Visiting is a horrible experience as she can't or won't have a conversation, ignores dad and tells us things we know have never happened except in her own mind. Dementia is a cruel illness.

I had my own assessment with the Pain Psychologist and the Occupational Therapist. My 20 minutes appointment stretched into a 40 minute one which I cried most of the way through as I am not coping. Trying to stay normal for my dad as he is staying with us while mum is in hospital but just could not maintain it in front of those two very kind ladies. Apparently I have gone backwards in managing my condition . Not surprising really :-(.

And my BP is soaring, despite 3 lots of medication. I know it is stress but I just can't seem to stay calm inside. The nurse wanted me to wear a 24 hour monitor but I refused as I just could not cope with that on top of everything at present. Not looking forward to my Wednesday appointment. It add the cherry on top, I have a new GP who I have never seen so don't  even know if she is fibre friendly or whether she is one of the doctors who think fibre patients are lazy shirkers and that fibre does not exist.

With luck I will keep my blog up to date in future.