Pai,Pain, Go away!

Today I realised just how much the pain is ruling my life. I have the children I teach taking their ballet exams in just over a week's time and I had to push myself to teach today. My body is screaming at me and I wasn't able to give in like I wanted to.
I am going to have to make some tough choices soon, ones I don't want to make but have to. The children deserve a teacher who can give them 100% all the time. And I need to have a life where I actually look forward to living, not dreading it.


But what is there to replace the joy ballet gives me. The joy of moving. I am so sad.

Unrealistic goals

Well, having seen the Clinical Psychologist and received a copy of the letter she has sent to the pain management team ( another psychologist,a physiotherapist and an occupational therapist) and also to my GP, of what she felt came from our appointment together. Basically my goal of wanting to "get rid of the pain" and "return to normal again" is very unrealistic. I think I have finally started to come around to that way of thinking having had a bit of an epiphany following my talk with Dr.T .


How do I feel about this? Sad, lost, and a whole set of other emotions. Dance, especially Ballet, has been such a major part of my life. Now, instead of having the joy of movement, it brings pain. I have not been enjoying my life as I have been too wrapped up in trying to find answers and 'cures' so that I could continue the same path. But the stark reality is that I can't.


I have agreed to do the Foundation Course, a one session introduction to a pain management approach. I was initially doubtful about it but am going for it and I have also come to think I will continue onto the Pain Management Programme (PMP).Plenty of thinking time for me as it is about a two month wait for the FC and nine months for the PMP. 


I accept now that this is the best course of action and will be of the most benefit to me. Maybe it will also help me channel myself in new directions. I shall face this with hope.

Fibrofog

This is so scary and I absolutely hate it. Someone please tell me it will go away! All day I have been struggling to explain things, find the right words or even maintain a conversation. I just can't focus and the words just swirl around in my head and I can't grasp them. How do you deal with this?

I need to learn to pace!

I really need to pace myself and learn to do it really soon. Yesterday I taught all morning then, in the afternoon, decided to spring clean the bedroom. I got so much done, furniture all pulled out, paintwork washed down,mattress turned, etc. Then I sat down and the pain really hit me. I went to bed in pain and didn't sleep. I had my TENS machine working all night and could have cried with the pain. Today has continued the same way :-(


One thing the psychologist said to me was why did I feel that I had to keep going until I was in pain.  I think it is because I feel useless now, I am trying to deny having Fibromyalgia. If I don't acknowledge it, then I don't have it. Does that make sense? I still feel lost and isolated. 


I am so frustrated by my hubby's jokes. He "tries to make light of it" as he puts it. What he thinks is funny is actually upsetting me intensely. And he just doesn't understand how frustrating and scary the cognitive problems are. How can you get a partner to understand you need support not stupid jokes the whole time?